An Open Letter on Being an Open Book

This is something that has been developing for me for some time, but I think that I'm going to make it more of a rule than a guideline. I think I'm going to be less of an open book. Although it doesn't make a ton of sense to write "I resolve to be more private" in a post on an online diary, accessible to millions worldwide, I think it's an interesting thing to think about. How much of your personal life, your thoughts, or your history should you reveal in daily conversation?

When I was a kid, there used to be no limit on what I would tell other people. Because my family moved frequently (about once every 1-2 years), and because I was completely oblivious to pop culture, in most cases all I had to talk about was myself and my history. So I was sort of an information whore. I'd tell anyone almost anything, just to see if we could be friends. Since college, I've become progressively less open - at least with the general public. The reason is that I've now found my real, lifelong friend base. I have a lot of people I trust, and I know exactly how much I can trust all of them. Having them around makes it unnecessary to confide in people I don't know as well. Plus, I read celebrity blogs, so I have plenty of other bases for conversation.

The problem with this, however, is that it makes it harder to become close to new people. One of the associates at my firm this summer remarked to one of my friends that I had been very guarded during the course of my internship - always friendly, but that I had never let my real personality show (until one night when I apparently let my hair down). I don't think that what he said is fair - I was always perfectly frank and personable. What I wasn't was open about my personal life. I kept that stuff at home.

I think, generally, it's good to be selective about the people you let get close to you. But I think the danger is that in being protective of yourself, you can be exclusive of people who you should let in. It's pretty rare these days that I will find intimate, spontaneous connections with new people. It takes me getting to like someone on a much more superficial level first before I'll even get to the point where I'll be comfortable having a conversation with any sort of depth. I feel like maybe this means that I've erred on the side of over-caution with keeping to myself. Which is sort of a funny conclusion to reach in a blog post about how I feel like I need to keep my mouth shut more.

I think perhaps the real issue is not that I blab about myself too much. I think, actually, this post has made me realize that I've really been keeping most people out, for quite a long time. I think the issue is that I've felt really vulnerable the last few weeks, mostly due to a bad falling out with a friend, and the aftermath of having to explain the situation, my feelings, and updates to all of my friends who want to keep tabs on how I'm doing. So I've got this tender spot, and a number of people know about it. The result is that quite frequently in casual conversation I find myself feeling, well, vulnerable and exposed. Vulnerable because I'm still tender about the underlying situation, and exposed because I'm not sure how much of that vulnerability I want other people to see, even my friends. I don't like letting these people see me this way. I like just being the funny one, who is considerate, who has her shit together, who is a good quality person that people would want to know or be like. It's hard to pull off.

So maybe the solution is threefold. Open myself up a little more to other people, so that I can make better friends, so that I won't care so much if I look like an ass in front of them. And get over this tender spot.

And stop publishing it all on the internet.